I haven’t written any new blog posts in a while, because I’ve been busy with some things in my “real life”. However I’m back and I have many ideas brewing in my mind to add to my blog. When I return to my online presence after a break, kinksters who only know me virtually (not in real life) ask me if I took a break from the D/s lifestyle. The answer is no, I don’t take “breaks” from being a Domme in the same way I don’t take a break from being bisexual. It’s simply part of my psychological and sexual makeup. I thought that coming out of this break from my blog would be a great time to explain this, since people ask. Yes, I took a small break from blogging about the femdom lifestyle, no I didn’t stop having a femdom lifestyle.
I also realized that I want to make my blog more focused on the deeper and more intense aspects of the D/s lifestyle. There are hundreds of websites explaining kink 101 for beginners, and not as many that explain advanced D/s. I think it’s nice to explain kink to beginners, but there are plenty of avenues for people to get that information. How about the people who want to go in deeper than kink 101? I want this blog to offer something for this group too.
What does it mean to be a Domme?
Is being a Domme a sexuality, a lifestyle, an activity? Is it a form of role play? The short answer is: it can be any of these things depending on the person. It can be confusing if you meet people all along the spectrum from trying D/s once as roleplay to 24/7 total power exchange. For me, being a Domme is both a sexuality and a lifestyle.
It’s a sexuality because my sexual, erotic and romantic desires are often linked to some form of power-play. I find shy and submissive behaviors extremely attractive, especially in men. Dating people in a purely vanilla way is ok but it usually is not as intense, fulfilling and fun as a relationship with some amount of power play in it.
The reason I call it a lifestyle is because I choose to incorporate it into my life. I attend kink parties, discussion groups and kink events. I am in a long term female led relationship that involves power exchange and submissive rituals. I consume and write content on femdom. These are things that are active lifestyle choices.
My Origins as a Domme
When I first started becoming interested in kink I saw it more as an activity. It was something I did when I went to a kink party, or something to try with a partner who was interested. With time and experience, I came to realize that the emotional fulfillment and social connection that comes with D/s is very special. It’s different from regular dating – it feels very much like I can be myself, demand what I want, tell someone to please me exactly how I want it. I can turn up the intensity higher – and the best part (that people outside the world of D/s struggle to believe) is that the subs want this too. They want me to be demanding, to tell them what to do, to be commanding and dominating, to push their limits and take the power away from them.
It’s so unconstrained and free compared to what vanilla dating feels like for me. In vanilla dating there is always a feeling that I have to limit myself and compromise in order to not be too extreme for the other person. I have to remind myself to be more polite, more normal, a more boring version of myself. It’s not always like this, but overall I find that with submissive partners, I am on the same page from the start. It’s more effortless and more fulfilling. Being in a long term female led relationship, I can’t imagine what it would be like to be in a vanilla relationship. No vanilla relationship that I’ve had has been as deep and satisfying as my FLR. It feels so right and so well matched for both of our personalities.
I spent my early 20s figuring this out. By the time I was 23, it became so much a part of my lifestyle that I realized if I had to choose to never have sex again or never have power play I would choose to not have sex again. I realized that domination is a facet of my sexuality and not just a lifestyle. I’m lucky that I discovered it young, and that I didn’t waste time giving into pressure to live a more traditional life. (It’s fine if others live this way, it just isn’t aligned with my personality.)
Power Exchange and Sexuality
I have a theory about sexuality and power dynamics. I think the need for power exchange is a sexual need that some people have. Everyone has varying sexual needs. Some people need a lot of romance and affection in order to feel a sexual connection. Some people need a specific fetish (for instance contact with feet). And then there are people who need some amount of power exchange or hierarchy to fulfill them sexually. It can be that they need a feeling of submitting, letting go, giving in to someone they see as above them on the hierarchy. Or it can be that they need to be the higher one in the hierarchy, seeing the worship, devotion, and groveling of the sub. To see a man go weak for me really turns me on. Much much much more than a man who confidently flirts with me.
This surprises people sometimes because everyone believes that confidence is universally attractive. It is attractive, that’s true. And yet, it’s even more attractive when a very confident man goes weak for me, trembles, falls to his knees. That’s when my attraction really gets going.
Sexual attraction is very much linked with a desire to dominate and hold power over my partner (especially if they are men, not women). When I meet men in my “real life” who I am attracted to, I almost always fantasize about dominating them in some way. Even if I know they’re probably not submissive, I can’t help but have this desire. It’s part of my sexuality, it’s in my drives and desires and I can’t turn it off. The more sexually attracted I am to a man, the more I fantasize about him in submissive positions, doing submissive things for me, giving up power to me mentally and physically. Even the kind of sex I like to have involves power play, when I decide if and when the guy is allowed to cum.
Domination is very much a facet of my sexuality. If you are a woman reading this, and you realize that you too often fantasize about men submitting to you (even if it’s just verbally), domination is probably part of your sexuality. There are occasional exceptions to the rule. Sometimes I find someone who can be a good lover to me in a purely vanilla way (though it’s rare). If I do have a vanilla lover, it doesn’t mean I stop craving power play. The craving to dominate is much higher than the craving for vanilla sex and romance. The best is when power play, sex and romance overlap (like in my FLR dynamic).
This is a small window into what it feels like to be a Domme. There is so much more to say that cannot fit into a single post (the disappointment of finding out an attractive man has no submissive desires, the fun of planting new fetishes in subs, the transition from casual sub to FLR). I’ll leave those topics for another time!
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