There are infinite ways to have a romantic relationship with someone. One way is to have a female led relationship, where the woman is by default, the leader and decision maker. There is a lot of flexibility in what this looks like, and the amount of control that the woman in a FLR has over her partner is up to each couple to decide. If you’re thinking about being in an FLR, you are not alone. It is quite common for men to want their girlfriend or wife to take the lead, and studies even show that when men allow their wives to influence them, they are happier in their marriage and less likely to divorce.
According to Pew Research Center, women make more of the decisions in their relationships when it comes to which activities to do together and financial decisions. In 43% of couples, the woman is the decision maker. For 31% of couples, decisions are made equally, and only in 26% of couples the man makes more of the decisions. If you choose to be in a FLR, you are doing what most couples do implicitly.
This trend makes sense. According to Forbes, women score higher than men in leadership skills. Not only that, but studies show that women on average have higher EQ, are better at reading people and have a better long term memory than men. Having high EQ and good long term memory makes people better at solving problems in their life and relationships. Even though women have not been allowed in many institutions and leadership roles throughout history, I suspect women have often been the leaders of their relationships.
So how do you know if you are meant to be in an FLR? This post will help you figure it out!
A disclaimer: A female led relationship (FLR) doesn’t have to involve kink or femdom. It is simply a type of relationship structure where the woman is the leader.
Women: Signs that you should be in an FLR
Being open about your desires is easy for you
You are very aware of your desires and know what you want romantically, sexually, and in your life goals. You rarely answer “I don’t know” when your partner asks you what you want. You have a clear vision of what a great relationship looks like for you. This vision makes it easy for you to steer the relationship if it starts to get off track. If you find it easy to be open about your desires, you will thrive in a female led relationship.
The reality is, people often don’t know what they want in a relationship and they need to figure it out together through trial and error. Even when people know their true desires, many people are afraid to express those desires or to openly tell their partner what they want. If you’re not afraid of this, you are in a natural position to lead. Expressing your desires openly is beneficial for the relationship because your partner will know exactly what to do to make you happy. If he is shy to discuss his desires, you can take the lead and help him open up. When people are emotionally open, they often influence others to open up.
You have high emotional intelligence and can read your partner
Studies show that emotional intelligence (EQ) is the strongest predictor of performance in leadership. This is especially true when it comes to relationships. You are naturally good at reading your partner and know what he’s feeling before he says it. You pick up on what he leaves unsaid, noticing what he avoids talking about or feels uncomfortable about. If he feels anxious but doesn’t say it out loud, you know it anyway. In your time together you’ve learned his patterns and habits inside out, so most of his behaviors are predictable to you. His reactions are rarely surprising because you have a good “emotional map” of your partner. If this sounds like you, congrats: you probably have high EQ and you can thrive in a female led relationship!
When you’re together for a long time, you might know his emotional needs better than he does. Having high EQ puts you in a great position as a leader because you know what both of you need. If you understand his needs better than he understands yours, it’s natural that you are the decision maker. After all, you are taking care of both of your needs, not only your own. This is be especially beneficial if your partner struggles with self awareness. He might not be able to describe his inner thoughts and feelings, but you can figure them out anyway.
As a leader, you know how to give him guidance without being malicious. You might even fulfill emotional needs he didn’t know he has. This doesn’t mean you have to be in charge 100% of the time. It just means by can usually decide what to do next, because you know what both of you need.
You are a natural leader and people follow your lead
If you find that you are often the leader in your social circle, it probably means you’re a good leader. There’s a reason people are drawn to you and want you to be in charge. It’s likely that you have kindness and confidence that puts other people at ease so they trust you to be in charge.
If you’re a natural leader, it doesn’t feel like “work” to you to start a conversation or to make a decision on behalf of your partner. It’s easy and effortless. If you are naturally confident and comfortable being in charge, you will find it easy to be in an FLR. Many men feel relieved when they don’t have plan all the dates or always initiate sex. Finding a woman who can initiate and lead is a secret dream for a lot of men.
You love seeing your partner’s devotion
You feel very comfortable when men admire you. This might sound universally enjoyable, but that’s not the case. Not everyone likes to be admired and complimented, and some people even feel uncomfortable. If you absolutely love seeing a man’s devotion to you, that means you are not afraid of your power over him. You enjoy it and you love the man who gives you this power. There are many men who want to give in and devote themselves to their partner. In this situation, it’s mutually enjoyable. He enjoys giving, and you enjoy receiving. If you relish being the focus of your partner’s devotion, you are meant to be in an FLR.
You see guiding your partner as a positive
This is perhaps the most important point on the list. While many people will complain about a partner “trying to change them” the truth is everyone grows and changes in a healthy relationship. As you learn from your mistakes, you develop better habits. In an FLR, both of you grow in positive ways but you are the force that guides it. If you see that your partner has unhealthy habits, you want to help him get healthier. If it seems like he’s struggling with social anxiety you decide to help him overcome it. As the leader of an FLR, when you see there is a problem, you want to solve it. You don’t want to leave it festering, and you certainly don’t want to give up and accept a negative situation.
As the leading partner you know that your actions matter, and that you have the power to improve the situation. Every good leader strives to improve the situation for people around them. As the leader of the FLR you don’t push him aside to focus only on only your needs. Rather, you guide your relationship to better for both of you. If all of this sounds right to you, you are meant to be in an FLR!
Men: Are you meant to be in an FLR?
You feel most at ease when you can follow
Think back to your relationships and see if you recognize any of these signs. You find it stressful when you need to plan a date, initiate sex, or think of a surprise for your partner. You feel more relaxed when your partner has ideas for where to go on a date or how to spend time together. When your partner is the initiator (of sex, dates, conversations) you feel relaxed and cared for. When she makes decisions that are considerate to you, like inviting you to your favorite restaurant, you feel loved and appreciated.
Doing whatever activity makes her happy, makes you happy. When you are together, her preferences matter more to you more than yours because you want her to be satisfied. Trying out her hobbies and entering her world interests you more than showing her your hobbies. You are open and excited to try new things that please your partner.
These are all signs that you prefer to follow her lead, and that’s great. Many women want a partner like this! If this sounds like you, you are meant to be in an FLR!
Structure makes you feel comfortable
The predictability of a FLR can feel safe and comfortable for men who like structure. There is a clear hierarchy, which makes it predictable. For instance, you know that the default person to pick a date night activity is her. You don’t have to take turns making the decision. You know that she will pick, and sometimes her choice will be to tell you to pick an activity. It is always predictable that you wait to see what she decides.
If your FLR includes rituals (like a weekly massage) this routine can create a sense of safety. You know what to expect from each other and how to reach those expectations. Instead of negotiating every activity and decision, you simply relax and follow her lead. You don’t have to take turns making decisions if you know how the default decision maker is. There is less guessing and less “figuring out” for you. You know what the routine is and you know that when new situations arise, she will show you what to do. You won’t have to guess, because she will tell you.
Side note: I don’t have official statistics on this. On forums like Reddit and Fetlife, many men on the autism spectrum and with aspergers report preferring female led relationships. Many mention that FLR is desirable because it has a clear structure.
You are a naturally giving person
What I’ve noticed is that men with a giving personality thrive when they enter a FLR! If you are usually a giving partner and are focused on your partner’s pleasure you will feel at home in an FLR. Making your partner happy makes you happy. Knowing how to make her smile gives you a sense of accomplishment and boosts your mood. You want to express your love to her and don’t want to hide it. If this sounds like you, you are meant to be in an FLR!
In a strong female led relationship, she shows you the best way you can please her. This means that giving men shine in this situation. You don’t wonder what she wants, and she doesn’t expect you to figure it out on your own. You love pleasing her, and she appreciates you for pleasing her. Her praise is the sweetest reward. It drives you to please her again and again.
You view self improvement as a positive
As a partner you love to evolve and improve. When she offers to help you reach your goals, you appreciate her support. Working towards something feels more special when you know it will make her happy. For instance, working out and building muscle for her adds to your motivation when you’re at the gym! If she wants you to try something new (like a new hobby), you are excited to try it. You love the idea that you can become a better partner for her.
When your partner has constructive criticism, you’re not defensive. Instead, you appreciate her viewpoint. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with her 100% of the time. It just means you trust her guidance. Being in a healthy FLR is like any other social relationship. In a healthy workplace, friendship or family you don’t have to always agree, but you trust the feedback you receive. For example, when you like your boss, you don’t get defensive when she gives you feedback because you know that her perspective is valuable.
When someone knows you well, they often notice things about you that you don’t even notice. You trust that when your partner wants you to try something new, it’s because she thinks it will benefit you. You also want her to be a good leader, and will give her feedback that helps her improve, rather than criticizing her.
In a healthy FLR both people strive to be their best, even though one is the clear leader. Relationships often naturally evolve into a female led relationship when the woman is the more observant and perceptive partner. If that sounds like your relationship, maybe it’s already an FLR!
If You think FLR is For you:
That’s great! An FLR is a fulfilling and special relationship that can amplify the bonding and trust between two people. To start your journey to a female led relationship, read my post on having the FLR of your dreams.
Just remember, like any type of relationship, an FLR is not a perfect solution. You both need to have healthy behaviors and communicate well for your FLR to be a strong relationship.
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