A female led relationship (FLR) is a relationship structure that many people dream about. It’s a magical combination of a romantic relationship and a D/s dynamic, where love is amplified by the exchange of power. The man embraces his role of the obedient, submissive partner, and the woman embraces her role as the dominant partner and leader of the relationship*. FLR is not a new phenomenon; female led relationships have existed since the dawn of time. We finally have a word for it. It’s not just a fantasy, many people turn their FLR dream into reality.
*Note: the term FLR usually describes a relationship between a man and a woman. LGTBQ romantic relationships can also have power exchange dynamics, but usually they’re called D/s relationships.
Why do people want an a female led relationship?
In a female led relationship, women get to be the boss and get what they want, and men get to the joy of being highly desirable because they give their partner exactly what she wants. It’s pretty straightforward. Women who have dominant tendencies and know what they want thrive in an FLR. Similarly women how are selective and have high standards often are managers in their relationships even if they don’t realize it. Men who are naturally giving and agreeable often shine brightest in an FLR. Alongside them, men who have difficulties with dating or find it hard to read their partner’s desires often feel at home in an FLR. In a female led dynamic they don’t have to do any guesswork because they get clear instruction. There are many other reasons why people can enjoy FLR, and it would take too much space to write it all here.
Misconceptions about female led relationships
Now that female led relationships are becoming more mainstream, misconceptions are popping up everywhere. People who clearly never had a D/s dynamic in their life, try to write articles about FLR for pop cultures websites. They try… and they fail, because they try to explain it in a pop cultural context, but this isn’t a pop culture trend. Women having power over the men who love them goes back to the dawn of time.
FLR is not about who plans dates
One misconception is that FLR means the woman initiates everything and the man passively waits, (i.e she has to ask him out on the first date.) This seems silly, since a first date isn’t even a relationship yet. Any woman can initiate and schedule a date if she wants, but that’s not what FLR is. FLR doesn’t mean the woman has the power to plan dates, it means she has power over the entire relationship. Being a submissive man in an FLR also doesn’t necessarily mean being passive, it means listening and obeying to his partner’s commands. In my opinion, a good submissive actively offers his services and efforts to his Domme. It doesn’t matter who asks out whom in the beginning. Once a relationship is established, an FLR is about the woman deciding how the relationship runs.
FLR is not egalitarianism, it’s a power exchange
Another misconception is that an FLR is about egalitarianism and sharing household chores. I saw a vanilla article claim, “in a male led relationship the woman does the chores, in a female led relationship, the man and woman share the chores.” Are you kidding me? In an FLR, the woman decides who does the chores. If she assigns 100% of the chores to her boyfriend, he obeys. That is what female led means. She is the leader so she makes the decisions. It’s not egalitarianism, it’s a hierarchical relationship where one partner (the woman) is the boss.
How to establish a female led relationship?
A relationship can be FLR from the beginning, or a relationship can evolve into an FLR over time. Some kinksters believe you should start in a regular vanilla relationship first before changing it to an FLR. Personally, I don’t see the point of doing this. Often people establish habits early in the relationship, so switching to a FLR means changing those habits. If you meet a nice submissive guy and you both want an FLR, go for it! When first establishing a female led relationship, think about what aspects of your relationship (and his life) you want control over. Here is a checklist:
FLR structure checklist:
- His sexuality: you can decide how often he has sex, when he’s allowed to cum, if you keep him in chastity, and if you’re in an open or half-open relationship. Maybe you can have unlimited orgasms, while he has a limited amount each week. Or perhaps he has to perform a special ritual in order to earn an orgasm.
- Chores and tasks: What daily, weekly, monthly tasks are his responsibility? Cooking, cleaning, giving you massages, worshiping your feet. This can evolve as he learns new skills over time. Maybe he doesn’t know how to cook your favorite food yet, but can teach him and then command him to do it.
- Rituals, protocols and schedules: It can be useful to establish routines and rituals. A ritual can be that every day when he comes home, he gets on his knees and kisses your feet. Or every time you allow him to cum, he thanks you. Whenever you snap your finger, he kisses your hand. You can give him a protocol, like bringing you coffee to bed each morning, or mopping the floor naked every Saturday.
- Code words to use in public: decide how you deal with your FLR in public. For discretion, you can develop your own code words or signals. Maybe tapping his hand twice means, “kiss me now”. Maybe “your shoe is untied” means, “pretend to tie your shoe now, so you bow down to me right here.”
- Vanilla and “normal” aspects of his life: his eating and exercise habits, career moves, his hair and body, skill building. If you want to see him with more muscle, you can assign him a workout schedule. If you think he would look better with a beard, make him grow one. Think about which aspects of his life you would like influence over and discuss with him to see what he’s open to.
- Do you want to have TPE (total power exchange)? This means dominating him in every possible way: physically, mentally, financially, etc. This is the most extreme form of FLR, and it’s not for everyone. I’ve met submissive men who want to give up all control, down to when they’re allowed go pee each day. If this sounds like what you both want, make sure you’re on the same page and know what you expect from each other.
Put the structure into practice
These decisions don’t have to be set in stone, they can be a loose set of rules or a more general pattern that you by default make the decisions. However if you do want to have strict rules, I recommend putting the rules in writing. You can create a slave contract, or write down a list of rule on a paper or on a computer document.
As he follows the rules and does the rituals, give him praise and positive reinforcement. Show him how happy it makes you and how how wonderful it is to see him submit. This will help him link positive feelings to the rules he follows and the tasks he does, creating a strong foundation for a female led relationship to grow from.
Let your dynamic evolve over time
Once you establish a FLR, the default is that you make the decisions. Over time, your dynamic will probably evolve. You can add and remove rituals or give him new tasks. If you move cities, change jobs, have a child, it might make sense to adjust the dynamic to the new situation. All relationships change and grow over time. A female led relationship is special because you can decide how to steer it so it evolves into something magnificent. Of course, in any healthy relationship both partners should be happy.
I recommend planning check-ins to discuss your FLR and to get his feedback. What makes FLR special is that your partner obeys you because he wants to, not because you’re forcing him. Here are some ideas for getting feedback:
Getting feedback from him
- You can give him journal assignments to complete. For instance, maybe you’ve decided agree that you control his sexuality and chastity schedule. One week in, you can give him a written assignment to answer questions about how difficult this week was and if he can go longer.
- Give him a survey to fill out. You can do it on google forms or other websites. Have him rate how happy, horny and stressed he is from 1 to 5 doing different tasks. Discuss his answers and adjust as needed. If you give him too many tasks and you see it’s stressing him out, it might be wise to remove a few of the less important tasks.
- Schedule time for regular relationship check ins. You can schedule a check in every 6 months, or at a pace you think is right for your FLR to discuss your satisfaction. The check in can start by discussing your favorite parts of the FLR, then discuss if anything needs to change or be improved. As the dominant one, you decide when it’s time for a check in, and you decide which topics to discuss.
Call it what it is: a female led relationship
Many women do things like this anyway, so you might as well officialize it and call it what it is: a female led relationship. If you don’t want your FLR to be kinky or involve sexual control, it doesn’t have to. You can simply be the boss of the “everyday life” aspects of the relationship. Again, many women already do this. Let’s call it what it is: a female led relationship!
Being the leader of the relationship is fulfilling and pleasurable, and the best way to guarantee you get what you want. Many men strive to be a great partner, but flounder because they simply lack direction. Once they enter into an FLR they feel completely at home and eager to please. FLR is becoming more common so there are forums dedicated to the lifestyle. Curious about it? Bring it up to your partner. If your partner more info, send this blog post. Remember, having an FLR is all about having love and power exchanging and enjoying it all the way!
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