Empathy is a very popular idea right now, in popular culture and in the BDSM scene. Do dominants truly need empathy, or is just a buzzword? In the world of BDSM, there are Dominants who claim that empathy is vital to D/s dynamics. Some dungeons even require pro Dommes to have spend some time working as a pro submissive before climbing up the ladder to being a Domme. Dungeons usually say this is method to gain “empathy” for the sub. (I think the true reason is that it makes the business more lucrative since it offers more services). Even if a Domme has previous experience as a submissive, will it help her be a better Domme? This is an unpopular opinion but I think no, it won’t.
Empathy is limited when it comes to sexuality
Imagine this: I’m playing with a submissive man who loves small penis humiliation. I make fun of his cock, I call it tiny, I measure it with a tape measure and make him read it out loud. He gets harder and harder and feels thrilled. Do I have empathy for his experience? Do I know what it feels like to have my genitalia be the target of both a humiliating and erotic social experience? No, I don’t. We can start with the fact that I don’t have a cock, so I don’t know what it feels like for it to be measured and evaluated. I could try and imagine having my pussy or boobs measured… but it’s not the same. The association between cock size and male shame just doesn’t have a direct equivalent for female bodies.
I’ll take it one step further: what if I was a male Dom, and I did have a cock and someone humiliated me for it. Would I empathize with this submissive’s experiences? No! Most people, even if they have a cock and are humiliated for their cock size, do not derive pleasure from it. While small penis humiliation makes some men wildly horny, others men would feel neutral, amused, insulted, sad, or angry. There is a range of possible subjective experiences here. Sometimes it’s really not possible to imagine getting aroused by someone else’s fetish.
Dominants don’t need empathy-building because it doesn’t work
This is why I don’t understand dungeons that want their Dominants to “build empathy” by playing the role of a submissive. You can learn to take pain as part of the job, but that’s not the same experience of pain. You’re not really building empathy for the experience of the submissive, because you still don’t know what it feels like to have a pain fetish. The pain you experience will probably feel way less enjoyable, compared to the experience of someone who is immensely turned on by it. If you try to project your own experiences on a submissive, that’s not actual empathy. What if feels like to be spanked, bound or humiliated is totally different for everyone. That’s why empathy building for fetishes or sexuality doesn’t work.
The limits of empathy
There are some natural limits. If I kick a man in the balls and see how sensitive and vulnerable they are, should I try and imagine it from his perspective? The truth is, I just can’t imagine what it feels like to have balls. No part of my body is so sensitive that it could give me instant debilitating pain like balls do for most men. Do dominants need empathy to imagine having a body part they do not have? If that’s the case, then it would mean females can only dominate females, and males can only dominate males.
Some empathy is important to have human connection with other people (but too much can have bad consequences). When it comes to fetishes and human sexuality, empathy is not the main skill you need. It misses the whole point of kink: everyone’s kinks are highly individual. In life, you probably won’t empathize 100% with anyone you meet. When it comes to sexuality, empathizing with someone even at 50% is rare. Everyone has their own constellation of kinks, interests, and preferences. Even people who have the same kink, like foot worship, might experience it differently. One person may love it because it makes him feel submissive while another may love it because he has a foot fetish. Two people with a spanking fetish may experience it totally differently because they have very different pain thresholds.
Dominants don’t need empathy, they need an understanding of the sub
What Dominants need is a good understanding of their submissives and what their submissives need. It’s important to understand what the submissive’s preferences and limits are, if the submissive needs aftercare. It’s important to be able to read your submissive’s responses when you inflict pain. Each person has their own baseline. From my own experience I’ve seen how some men can take 50 kicks to the balls before wincing even once, while another man can take only 5 before he reaches his limit. It’s important to remember that each person has their own baseline and their own responses.
Dominants need to have self control and common sense.
Self control is also more important than empathy. Dominants need to be able to slow down and stop an activity if their sub needs a break. Dominants need to use common sense and good judgment. Many subs think they can handle very extreme things even if they’ve never done them before. Often they’re eager to jump in and go all the way. As a Domme you need to watch the situation unfold and decide what to do. It’s better to go slow and take it one step at a time, even if the sub thinks he can do it. You can empathize with your sub’s excitement to try new things but that doesn’t mean you should let this feeling guide you. Use your good judgment instead.
Dominants don’t need to empathize with the sub’s perspective, they need to learn about it
The best way to get information about the sub’s experience is to ask about it. Ask your sub how different things make him feel. This is the best way to be a good Dominant for your submissive. Instead of trying to relate to his perspective or projecting your experiences onto him, you get the information directly from him. You might not know what it feels like to receive humiliation, but you can ask your sub how it makes him feel. This way you know what he is experiencing when you humiliate him. This is a much better way to understanding you submissive’s inner experience than trying to imagine yourself in his place.
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