Monogamy is like a big, established superhighway; everyone is driving on it because it’s fast, predictable and available. There are other paths (non-monogamy), but many people don’t realize it. If you have relationships that don’t match the traditional concept of marriage, you might feel misunderstood by society at large. A lot of people paint non-monogamy to be a lifestyle only for sex crazed, sexual deviants. Well I’ve never been monogamous, and I don’t see my life choices as sexual deviance, so I’ve written a post on non-monogamy from my perspective.
Lots of the books and articles about non-monogamy are written by people who were once monogamous, found the non-monogamous lifestyle and embraced it. The story line is often about a radical transformation. I want to offer my perspective, as someone who was never monogamous and didn’t go through a transformation. Non-monogamy has always been the more natural and comfortable relationship structure for me. It’s not just about sex, the way people make it seem. It’s really more about being able to enjoy intimate experiences with many people. This can mean sexual, kinky or romantic experiences.
Monogamy seems possessive from my perspective
Here is a thought experiment: you’re spending time with your best friend, enjoying each other’s company. You mention that this weekend, you’re going on a trip with your other close friend. Your best friend gets angry and says, what? You’re going on a trip with someone else? I’m not allowing you to do this! You’re my best friend, you’re not allowed to have other friends.
Imagine a child going to one of his parents and asks to play a game together. Later the parent catches their child playing a game with the other parent and says, how could you do this? You’re only allowed to play games with me!
Imagine a student at a school or university, asking their teacher or academic advice. Later this student asks several other teachers for academic advice, because she values their opinions. The first teacher gets angry and reminds the student, you’re only allowed to get advice from me. I have this role in your life, and no one else!
By now the point should be clear. It’s totally normal for multiple people to occupy the same role in our lives. In every aspect of life besides romance, it would seem extremely possessive to tell someone, you’re not allowed to do this with anyone except me! Non-monogamy is just a lifestyle where you apply this general rule to romance too: it’s okay for multiple people to have the same role. The way it’s okay to have multiple close friends, it’s also okay to have multiple romantic partners.
I’ve never been monogamous so I’ve never expected one person to fulfill all my needs
In life, multiple people can fulfill the same role, and we can have multiple roles open to different people. It’s normal to have some friends for emotional support, some for going on adventures, some for deep discussions. Why should a romantic relationship be any different? Why do we demand that one person be available for all of our sexual, romantic and emotional needs? I know that some people are very happy being in a monogamous relationship and find that their needs are met. But I also know from experience that many people in monogamous relationships feel desperate because their needs aren’t met.
Why do so many married men come to pro dommes?
As a professional and lifestyle Domme, so many men contact me with the same story. They have a deep fetish which they tried and failed to get their wife into it. Now they desperately need sexual and psychological release, but it must be secret. I’ve also met people at kink parties who were keeping it secret from their spouses. It’s not just men; I’ve seen countless women on fetlife who say their husband doesn’t know. I think it’s sad that these people keep their sexual needs secret and risk losing their marriage, when all they want is to fulfill their needs. When a relationship is open, both people can fulfill their needs without hiding and without any conflict. It would be like going rock climbing with a different friend simply because your best friend isn’t into rock climbing.
Personally, I think religion has been a massive force in sanitizing our culture. Many people are afraid to admit that they have sexual needs. Our culture often shames people for wanting sexual fulfillment and encourages people to repress their sexuality to be with the one they love. It doesn’t have to be this way. It’s possible to love someone and also pursue romance and/or sex with others.
I’ve never been monogamous and never used monogamy to counteract fear
I’ve noticed that many people hold on to monogamy because they fear if their partner has other lovers, their partner will leave them. Fear of rejection is one of the most common fears that everyone feels glimmers of from time to time. Clinging to monogamy gives the illusion of control because people think their partner will not leave them if they can’t be tempted by other people. But monogamy is not an antidote to relationship issues. Opening a relationship is not going to be what breaks a bond, the same way that having multiple friends won’t break your bond with your best friend. Relationship issues usually stem from what happens inside the relationship. However, I think many people want to escape blame. They want to believe they aren’t the cause of their marriage failing, someone else is.
In a loving relationship, you trust that your partner has a strong bond with you and won’t leave you for no reason. People think of sex as a temptation that threaten to destroy their lives (though non-monogamy is more about romance than sex). I think this stems from religion – sex is like the temptation to eat the forbidden fruit that throws you out of Eden. The truth is, what destroys a relationship is negative feelings for your partner. When partners develop negative feelings for each other and don’t work them out, this spreads like mold across their relationship. Kissing an attractive friend isn’t going to be what brings down your marriage. The bond with your partner and how you deal with problems that arise is what matters.
I’ll never be monogamous
So I’ve never been monogamous, and I never plan to be! Even in female led relationships, I control my submissive’s sexuality knowing they love the control, but I’ve never felt the need to control their social life. I’ve been in half-open relationships because my partner wanted to be monogamous to me, which is fine by me. It’s important to me that my partners’ needs are fulfilled, and non-monogamy creates the freedom and flexibility for exactly this.
If you enjoyed this post and want to see more, subscribe: