If you have fantasies about dominating your boyfriend, you don’t have to keep it a secret. Tell your boyfriend you want to dominate him. Do it this week, do it today! The majority of men I’ve met admitted to me that they have some fantasies about submitting to a woman. Even on fetlife, I regularly get messages not only from submissive men but also from men listed as “Dominant” on fetlife, who say they secretly want to experience submission.
This post is focused on telling a vanilla man you want to dominate him. It doesn’t have to be your boyfriend, it can be a friend or someone in your life. This can also go for any gender, but I’ve mostly converted vanilla men to the world of Femdom! I’ve had female submissives too, but they were already kinky when I met them. Most of my experience in having “the talk” has been me, looking into a man’s eyes and asking “how would you feel if I spanked you?”
If you have a feeling that this guy is a bit submissive, maybe it won’t be hard to convince him. He might even reveal that he’s been hoping you would dominate him. Unfortunately, some men who are submissive are in denial of it, so sometimes waiting for him to accept his desires is part of the process.
Start a friendly conversation about kink
Start a friendly conversation about your desires, and slowly work up to the topic of kink. Don’t jump straight into telling him you like slapping men on the face. Admittedly I’ve done this, and it worked. The guy said he wanted to try, and I gently slapped him on the face. But I can’t guarantee this method will work with everyone. Revealing your interest in kink can come as a shock to many people. Some men might also have knee jerk reaction to pretend not to be submissive (even if they are). Start a conversation about things you’ve done, what
If he seems very new to the world of kink, you should start by talking about more beginner kinky activities. Things like spanking him, having him worship your breasts, calling you a Queen during sex. Maybe mention it would be so cute to see him in a collar when he worships your pussy. If he is easily shocked, avoid mentioning the more extreme things right away (i.e using needles, chocking him or other forms of edgeplay).
Watch how he responds when you talk about dominating him
Does he seem nervous and shocked? Or does he seem excited and like he’s getting turned on? If he seems initially unsure about doing anything kinky, don’t give up. This might mean he just needs more time to think about it. If he seems like he’s getting horny and excited, then tell him more and more. Really. In my experience, men usually love to hear about my sexuality and my sexual fantasies. If he seems into it, tell him more and more. This will help him open up and tell you about his fantasies.
If you are also new to kink, don’t worry. You don’t have to have a master plan to dominate him. This conversation can be a great way to explore and fantasize together. You can just explain that you want to enjoy the feeling of power and want to explore this part of yourself with him.
When you tell him you want to dominate him, he might admit he has plenty of his own submissive fantasies. This has happened to me before. It’s great to unlock people’s hidden sides. Often if you showing the other person how open minded you are, they open up.
Explain why you want to dominate him
If he is new to kink he might be confused about why anyone would like this. Well needless to say, it’s a good idea to explain why you like kink to not leave the guy wondering if you’re a sociopath. It’s also good to explain, in case his only experience with Femdom was seeing it in movies. Real life Femdom is much more deep and varied than in movies. Here are some ways that I explain my own interest in kink:
I say: I like to cause pain, but only if the other person likes receiving it. Kicking men in the balls gives me great pleasure, especially seeing how horny it makes them. I love seeing how my submissives fall completely under my spell, how drunk they get off my presence. You should make it clear that you imagine this being mutual enjoyable for both of you. Make it clear that D/s is not about forcing him to do something against his will.
I explain what it feels like to dominate: The intensity of D/s is really satisfying. It is very intense to bring someone into a state of pain, catharsis, and mindlessness, when he’s crying and begging for more. The vulnerability of it is like a social super-stimulus. This intense experience of overpowering someone can make you feel drunk. But underneath it, you know the submissive is safe in your hands, safe under your control. Providing this safety can also be very fulfilling, especially in an FLR. You can read more about the experience of domination from my perspective here.
This is how I explain my enjoyment of D/s, but you will have your own way to explain it. Show him why you enjoy it.
Remind him that dominating him doesn’t lower his reputation
If he expresses uncertainty or embarrassment, remind him that you don’t look down on him if he submits. It’s crazy to me that some men would think this, since I love submissive men. However some men have a fear of trying any kind of submissive activity because they’re afraid it makes them unattractive. Make it clear that seeing him submit to you increases your attraction to him, turns you on and makes you happy.
Give him reassurance that you will keep this private (unless you are asking for a D/s dynamic that is public). This is a facet of life that many people want to keep private, so it’s reasonable for him to want this. If he has a high status position at work, this could add to his stress about trying kink. If you’re trying to get into D/s with someone new (not an established boyfriend) this can be a big barrier.
I’ve met a lot of men who are terrified that kink will somehow interfere with their career, or that all their colleagues will find out they got pegged. It seems far fetched. Most Dommes wouldn’t announce this to the world, but still, reassure him that this will be private.
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