“The submissive can use the safeword so the submissive actually has all the power.” I’ve seen this idea floating around in movies and TV, or on BDSM forums. The idea is that since the sub can say use a safeword to tell the Dominant to stop an activity, the sub is “overpowering” the Dominant. So, does the sub actually have the power in D/s?
No, of course not. D/s is by definition a mutually chosen power exchange where the Dominant has power over the submissive. Being able to decline to an activity doesn’t mean you have power over someone. If you quit your job do you suddenly have power over the entire company? No, of course not. You just have power over your own participation in the company. You haven’t overpowered anyone by saying no.
Does the sub actually have the power because they can use the safeword?
I think this myth stems from a knee jerk reaction that people have when they learn what a safeword is for the first time. They have a sudden insight, “but the sub can use the safeword and end the scene!” Yes, and guess what: the Dominant can also end the scene, at any moment, for any reason. On top of that, the Dominant has the power to decide how they dominate their sub. If the Dominant ties up their sub, pees on them, spanks them, slaps them 20 times, and on the 21st slab the sub uses the safe word, did the submissive really have all the power? I don’t think so.
Furthermore, as this D/s blog points out, a safeword only has meaning if the Dominant decides to use it. It is a type of social contract that both the submissive and the Dominant agree to. It isn’t like the submissive is forcing the Dominant to obey. It’s just an agreement that occurs in many D/s dynamics and at kink parties because the Dominant wants to protect the submissive. It should be clear now that a safeword isn’t a special superpower for subs. The ability to say no to an activity doesn’t compare to the power to choose everything that happens during the activity.
The use of a safeword doesn’t mean the sub gets to have power over the Dominant, it just means the D/s dynamic is not a total power exchange (TPE). A TPE typically entails that the sub doesn’t have the right to say no. This is a type of dynamic that usually occurs when the Dominant and submissive know each other, want to engage in this and decide to start a TPE.
However in a D/s dynamic that is not a TPE, It’s common practice for the sub to have the choice to say no. If you’re playing with someone you’ve just met, and you don’t know how they respond, it’s common sense to give them an option to say no. D/s is about creating a mutually desired power exchange, not using brute force to make someone obey you.
Is using a safeword even an act of power at all?
No, it isn’t, and that’s fine. If I decline your invitation to have coffee, do I have power over you? If you throw a party a guest cannot join, do they have power of you? What a sad life that would be, if every time someone declines to participate in an activity it means they’re overpowering you. Saying no to someone it’s an act of power, it’s just an act of autonomy. Submissives who use a safeword get to choose if they want to stop doing an activity if they’re getting tired or the activity is becoming too extreme. A safeword is a way to say no thanks, not now, I need a break.
You also don’t need to use a safeword if you have other ways to check in on your subs. When I dominate my longtime subs I watch their reactions and just verbally ask them if they want a break or want me to slow down. I tell them that they can ask to slow down in plain language. As a Domme, I feel responsible for my submissives’ well being when I subject them to pain, humiliation, mindfuck and degradation. I always give submissives the option to tell me if it’s too much, so they can be safe and happy subs.
Who really has the power in the D/s dynamic?
The Dominant has the power. If you’re a sub in a D/s dynamic and you feel you have all the power, that’s a sign that something isn’t going according to plan. Either you’re not being a good sub and you’re topping from the bottom, or your Dominant isn’t really a Dominant. Maybe your Dominant is actually a service top, meaning they top you because it makes you happy, not because they have an inner drive to dominate. That’s also fine, if it’s what you both want.
Likewise if you’re a Dominant and you feel like your submissive has all the power in the dynamic, how do you feel about this? Disappointed, confused, irritated? Or happy and content? If you’re happy with this, are you sure you’re really a Dominant? It’s fine if you discover that you don’t enjoy power play. Some people enjoy the play aspect of kink without wanting the power exchange. In this case, they’re usually called tops and bottoms instead of Dominants and submissives.
It reminds me of this quote that circulated on fetlife when 50 Shades of Grey was popular. Christian Grey, who is supposedly a Dom, says to his sub:
What I think you fail to realize is that in Dom/sub relationships, it is the sub who has all the power.
Christian Grey, 50 Shades of Grey
All I can think when I read this is: are you sure you’re a Dom? Maybe you’re on the wrong side of the whip. Based off this quote, it’s totally possible that 50 Shades of Grey is actually about a submissive man who is in denial. He thinks (or wants) his sub to have all the power. Maybe he would be happier if he was the sub!
In a realistic D/s dynamic, the Domme/ Dom has most or all of the power. While the Domme enjoys the intoxication of power and getting what she wants, the sub loves giving her what she wants. The sub finds fulfillment in giving up control and pleasing his Domme, seeing how his actions please her. It’s really that straightforward.
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