Is experience an important factor for being a good Domme? Is it important for being a good sub? My short answer is no, because I think domination and submission are not about experience. Not even remotely. It’s not a job that you do for a few hours a day, it’s who you are. In my life, being a Domme is a facet of my personality. It’s not role play, it’s not a fantasy. It’s my personality, my orientation, my sexuality. If you asked me how many years of experience I have as a Domme I don’t even know what answer to give. It was a facet of who I am for as long as I can remember.
Can you be young and experienced?
I saw a post on fetlife recently about spotting fake accounts. It mentioned that one of the “red flags” is if a Domme is in her early 20s calls herself an “experienced Domme”. The fetlife poster considered this suspicious because no one can be “experienced” at that age.
Well, by the time I turned 20, I had half a decade of experience in kink, sadism and domination. If we think of it like a career, I was already past being “entry level”. I went to my first kink party at 18 as soon as I legally could attend. When I showed up at that first kink party, I already knew about 20 ways to inflict pain on someone. Tell me again how no one can be experienced in kink if they’re young. Obviously age won’t tell you anything. Some people discover their kinks very early, and some discover them late in life.
Many people discover their fetishes in childhood or adolescence. I’ve met countless people who can trace back their fetish to their early childhood years. Jean-Jacques Rousseau first developed a fascination for getting spanked at age 10, and it stayed with him for his whole life. This is kind of a banned topic in society. We are supposed to pretend that sexual urges only appear in adulthood. The reality is that sexuality begins to develop before adulthood for many people. It’s not like you turn 18, and suddenly get adult thoughts bestowed upon you by some governing body. Sexuality isn’t like that.
Kink isn’t about experience, it’s about attitude
I don’t care that much about previous experience when meeting new subs. But I can see why experience is used as a metric. Sometimes gaining experience in something like body worship means you get practice and you can develop skills. It applies to some skills, especially physical ones. When it comes to something as abstract and mental as submission and domination, that’s where experience doesn’t matter.
I’ve met submissives who had zero previous experience submitting but were naturally good at it, right away and pleased me exactly how I wanted. And I’ve met subs with decades of experience who just weren’t good at it. I had a sub once who was 70, and had almost 50 years of experience subbing… and he was bad at submitting. He topped from the bottom, told me “men don’t like that” whenever I mentioned a kink he didn’t like. His attitude was low effort and he interrupted me whenever we talked. This man wasn’t my sub for long because he made these mistakes and frankly I found him annoying and unskilled. Fifty years of experience didn’t teach him how to be a good sub. Is experience important? Not really!
Natural skill exists, even if we want to call it “experience”
The very first time I tried hypnosis, my subject fell deeply into trance. Every time I tried after that, with new people, people told me I was a natural at it. Some of my subjects asked me where I received my training. The funny thing is, I didn’t receive any formal training. I just tried hypnosis a few times and it worked on every person I tried. Every person I tried it on said I had a naturally hypnotic voice that influenced them to the core. So I kept going and developed my technique. I’m not showing off, I’m just pointing out that sometimes, skills come naturally. The thing about D/s is that it’s not a job for me, it’s my lifestyle. If you’re naturally dominant, you can’t track the hours per day that you’re dominant; it’s who you are 24/7.
Similarly, if you’re naturally submissive, it doesn’t matter how many weeks, months, or years you’ve served Dommes. If you have a devoted attitude this will be immediately clear to me. If you’re eager to please, you will outshine any sub who has years of experience but a lazy attitude. Honestly, with sex it’s the same – sometimes very experienced people don’t know what they’re doing and don’t try to learn. Some are great at giving sexual pleasure, even with no previous experience.
Many people are threatened by the idea of natural talent. They don’t like the idea that they spend years working on a craft, while someone else tries it once and is immediately good at it. But with most skills that’s how it is: singing, painting, cooking, sports, charisma, seduction, domination, submission. Some people are naturally good at these things.
What should you look for in your search?
So if you’re looking either for a sub or a Domme, I wouldn’t focus much on past experience. It just doesn’t make sense. If you ask a submissive how many years of experience he has with his foot fetish, what answer do you expect? What if he says “I’ve had a foot fetish my whole life but I’ve only worshiped feet a few times?” How do you quantify this? In how many years he has been passionate about feet? Or the amount of times he’s actually worshiped feet? Does it actually matter how many times he’s done it before, if he’s eager to do it now?
What if you ask a dominant person “how many years of experience do you have dominating others?” A naturally dominant person might say: my whole life. Can you quantify this? Can you count the amount of years someone has been themself? This is why it’s better to simply pay attention to someone’s personality and domination style or submission style. Some of the best subs I’ve had were totally inexperienced but naturally submissive and excited to serve! They offered themselves up in ways that charmed me completely and left a dazzling impression. It’s all about having the right kind of attitude.
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