If you’ve just starting exploring the world of kink and you’re wondering how to be a Domme, you’ve come to the right place. I love to invite people in the wonderful world of Femdom. The Femdom lifestyle is fulfilling, enjoyable and freeing and the best part is: any woman can live it. Femdom can be anything from an activity you enjoy from time to time to your 24/7 lifestyle. Welcome to the world of getting pleasure from power and domination!
Female domination is normal, natural and common
First, I want to establish that female domination is older than feudalism. Domination isn’t a “male” thing. Don’t listen to anyone who tries to claim that. Tell them to read Macbeth and ask who was really the dominant force, Macbeth or the powerful wife who controls him like a puppet, Lady Macbeth? Every man has been intimidated by a powerful woman at some point in his life (probably at some point this month). In romantic relationships men often defer to their girlfriends and wives to make the decisions. Society underestimates how often women are the dominant partner. Even women don’t always admit that they’re the boss of their relationship, because they think being bossy and demanding is a bad image. But it’s not bad; it’s natural, common and often mutually enjoyable.
Evolution is driven by female choice, by women making the decision on whose genes enter the gene pool. Most men fall in love way faster than women (source), while women choose carefully who they want to be with. This is a natural power that many women wield over men (but of course bisexual.lesbian woman can and do enjoy Femdom as well.)
Even when social rules rigidly prevented women from having power in society, there were always dominant women in society. Just like there have always been gay people even when homosexuality was illegal, there have always been dominant women even when laws restricted women’s rights. Female dominance is a force of nature, it can’t be governed by laws. You should embrace this dominance instead of fighting it or seeing it as negative. So many people in history were threatened by female dominance, an many people still are. Don’t let their feeling of threat cloud your judgment. Embrace your dominance, amplify it, enjoy it.
Get inspired by powerful women in history, movies, art
Rather than wayching Femdom porn, get inspired by real female dominance. Femdom porn is okay, but it tends to show a very narrow version of Femdom. Usually it shows a lady in latex yelling at a submissive man. At a kink party you’ll notice almost no Dommes (or male Doms) yell at their subs. It’s a pretty rare thing to see.
Instead, get inspired by real life historical figures like history’s most powerful Queens, female dictators, empresses, Goddess-Worshiping religions, ancient femdom mythology. Listen to music and watch movies about women who have influence and power over others. Femme Fatale characters in film noir movies like Gilda and Scarlet Street are powerful and dangerous. Art history has tons art about women overpowering others, including themes of power of woman, femme fatale, sorceresses and sirens. There are several famous artworks about a dominatrix overpowering Aristotle and riding him like a horse.
If you’re not into history, you can look into contemporary media like female superheroes, TV Shows with powerful women, Femdom erotica and Femdom cartoons. I love photography by Ellen Von Unwerth, her work shows women with strong Femdom presence. Take the things you like most and incorporate them into your own domination style.
Identify your likes and limits in Femdom
Remember that Domination doesn’t have to be about sexual pleasure. There are different kinds of domination. You can enjoy service submission by making your sub cook, massage you, give you a pedicure. You can play with transforming him into a puppy and making him eat from a dog bowl. Or train him to perform body worship.
Ask yourself: What do you like getting from your subs? What do you like doing to your subs? What are your dislikes and limits when it comes to kink? Make a list of things you want to try, and go try them. You can buy a flogger and a paddle and start with those, or you can just use household items you already have. You enjoy kink today, right now, by using your hands to spank someone.
If you’re dominating your partner: which of their behaviors do you love most? Incorporate that into your D/s play. If your partner gives great foot massages or is a great cook, collar them make this their duty to you.
Choose your submissive carefully
If you don’t have a submissive yet: ask yourself, which qualities do you like in a sub? There are a lot of potential submissives out there. Depending on how big your city is, you might have hundreds of subs to choose from. You can go to a kink party or munch to meet new people, or you can use fetlife. Decide what you’re looking for: just a play partner, a long term D/s dynamic, or a romantic relationship with D/s mixed in?
Be selective, and choose the sub who seems like the best match for you. Femdom is a woman’s game and the rules are in your favor. You don’t have to settle for a sub who doesn’t follow your rules or annoys you. And remember, you don’t have to respond to every fetlife message, otherwise it can become a chore. Some messages are clearly spam, low effort, or from subs who didn’t read your profile. If you don’t want to respond, don’t waste your time. Life is short so spend it with the obedient and devoted submissives.
Learn how to be a Domme by experimenting with style
Try different domination styles: sensual domination, mental domination, sadism, bondage centered, disciplinarian, service oriented domination, funishment. Control your submissive’s orgasms for a week just to see how it feels. You can read Femdom erotica to get ideas and see what appeals to you most. Another option is going to a kink party to watch people play, and try doing the things they’re doing. This way you find out what you like.
A lot of new Dommes are cautious in the beginning. But soon after experimenting a bit, they hit their stride. Women trying Femdom for the first time sometimes feel odd commanding someone if they’ve been taught not to do that. (I was raised in an FLR household so I actually never got this message.) Some new Dommes worry that they’re crossing the line into being bitchy or controlling. But, the good thing about social rules is they are meant to be broken.
Do it, command him around, spank him, tell him what to do. Tie her up and twist her nipples. Command multiple subs at once if you want! Co-domme with another Domme at the kink party, and spank a submissive guy together. Be a bitchy Domme if you want. You’ll quickly discover that your domination isn’t a turn-off but a huge turn-on for many people (especially men). Usually once women try out Femdom, it comes easily and naturally to them.
Learn how to be a Domme by learning kink skills
If you want to play with pain, bondage, or edgeplay, learn how to do it safely. Go to a kink workshop or learn from someone experienced. You don’t have to learn from another Domme. I learned needle play from a sub guy who was a very experienced receiver. I tested my new skills on him and he gave me feedback on if I should go more shallow or deep into the skin. Learn the safety basics before doing any kind of pain play, like for instance you should learn not to hit the kidneys when you flog someone.
Most of these skills are easy to learn. You can basic flogging technique in less than an hour. Don’t be afraid to try it. The Femdom lifestyle is about you getting what you want. Sometimes at kink parties newcomers comment on how I seem so “advanced” when I’m flogging someone. (Sometimes I even do it with 2 floggers at once!) I have to be honest: it’s very easy to flog someone. It just looks advanced if you haven’t done it before, and truthfully many kink tools don’t produce as much pain as you expect them to. Tools like crops, floggers, and even electro-torture tools are not as dangerous as they look.
Do you need to be trained to be a Domme?
Over the years, I’ve come across some old guard gatekeepers in the kink community. They’ll say a Domme must be “trained” by another Domme. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. A powerful person doesn’t need to be trained on how to be powerful. It’s like training a painter to copy someone else’s paintings instead of creating their own. Go and get intoxicated off your own power! Just take care of your sub and don’t hit the kidneys.
Do Femdom your way. Don’t be trained to do it in another Domme’s way.
Learn how to be a Domme in different contexts
See how it feels to dominate someone in a different contexts like at a kink party, in nature, in public, at home with your partner. Try out subtle domination in public (drop something, tell your sub to pick it up). You’ll see that domination can go way beyond just have a “scene” at a kink party.
Decide where you want domination to fit into your life. Do you want to have an female led relationship (FLR), or is domination for “in the bedroom” only? Do you want to incorporate small rituals into your relationship (like having your sub kiss your feet every morning)? Over time your preferences might evolve. Many newcomers start with “in the bedroom only” and over time become more into the lifestyle. In some cases this ends up being the perfect 24/7 lifestyle for you even if you didn’t expect it.
Final tips and disclaimers: if you’re a total beginner, google some kink 101 tips and learn kink etiquette before going to a kink party. There are tons of sites that will teach you kink etiquette in 5 minutes. My blog is aimed at people who are already in the Femdom lifestyle, so you can read it to get ideas. In my opinion, the most important part of entering the Femdom lifestyle, is learning to be the Queen of your kingdom. Be the leader, be the powerful, unstoppable force. After all, you know what you want, so go get it!
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