So you want to contact a Domme on fetlife but aren’t having any luck? If you want to contact a Domme on fetlife for the first time you want to make a good impression. As a Domme I get hoards of messages from new submissives, with varying quality. I respond only to the good ones. If you really write a good first message, we can end up chatting a lot of Fetlife. I’m surprised at how inappropriate or downright rude some submissive men are when they messages me, so I decided to write this post as a PSA to help submissive men.
This is mainly about contacting a Domme for the first time because you want to be her sub. I also receive messages that are simply compliments on my hypnosis, questions about the lifestyle or expressions of gratitude. Gratitude and devotion message are always a good thing to send!
If you are not familiar with Fetlife, it is the biggest BDSM social networking website. You can find me there as HypnoVictoria. Technically it’s not a dating site, but many submissives and Dominants still meet each other on it. I’m not searching for new submissives now because I’m happy with the ones I have. I’m writing this as advice for submissive men who are still searching for a Domme, either online or in real time.
Keep these points in mind when you message dominant women on Fetlife:
1. Fetlife is not a dating site. Your regular online dating strategy will not work on Fetlife.
I sometimes get messages that show a man is new to BDSM and doesn’t understand what D/s is about. For example, messages like these show me that this man is inexperienced: “Why don’t we meet up and then see where this goes?” or “What happens if I said I’m a good looking, intelligent, hard working man interested in meeting a Domme?” When I read these kinds of messages I lose interest because it seems like he doesn’t know how to be a sub.
Fetlife is not a dating site. A dominant woman is not looking to meet a random guy and “see where it goes”. A dominant woman usually has several, specific things she wants in a D/s dynamic. Usually it’s all there, listed on her profile. (Examples: Washing her car, service submission, spanking, foot worship, etc.)
As a Domme I expect you to offer yourself to me and show me why you would be a good servant to me. If you don’t make it clear that you want to serve me, When you contact a Domme on Fetlife, approach it more like a job application, rather than online dating. Would you apply to a job by saying “why don’t you hire me, and then we can see where it goes?” No you would not. You’re applying for the position of a submissive. Show the Domme that you have something to offer her.
2. When you contact a Domme on Fetlife, show her that you read her profile.
Mention what specifically you like from her profile. Which of her interests are you interested in? I get a lot of messages that sound copied and pasted, like the person didn’t even read my profile. Dommes on fetlife can usually tell when a message is copied and pasted because it sounds generic. It makes you look lazy and it’s an immediate turn off.
Here is an example of a totally generic, copy-paste message I took out of my inbox:
Hello Mistress. I am 39, well educated and travelled, very serious about bdsm, obedient, humble, masochist and loving to serve. Looking for a female led relationship or a play partner. Able to travel regularly since i work at an airline company. Open to relocation too. Could you give me a chance, please?
Here is an example of something that mentions my profile:
I formally offer myself to help fulfill your needs and desires. I was so happy to hear that your favourite form of domination was mental. That is one of the main ways I would hope to bring you pleasure, by granting you access to my mind to dominate, control, manipulate, humiliate and holds in your hands. I also read how you luv body worship. I believe my tongue is trained well enough to bring you pleasure by lightly sucking and rubbing my tongue in a zig zag pattern on your neck.
This submissive clearly read about my interests in brainwashing and humiliation, and even read my blog to understand what kind of body worship I enjoy (zig zag pattern). Well done.
3. Show the Domme what YOU can offer HER
Show that you are submissive and that you have something to offer a dominant woman. It’s always better to show you want to serve a Domme, than something like this: “I want to find a woman who will fulfill my fantasies.” Even worse than this, is a message that comes across as horny and needy. This is an example of something I would never respond to: “please make me do XYZ humiliating thing over Skype.”
Most Dommes on fetlife are immediately turned off by this kind of message because it seems like you’re looking for a “fetish dispenser.” You’re demanding something from her. Just browse the groups on fetlife and you will see how often Dominant women complain about it. It makes it seem like you expect me to serve you, when as a Dominant woman I expect the opposite – you serve me.
Look at her profile and offer her what she wants. For instance “I can clean your apartment, make you coffee, be your furniture or humiliate myself for you. I am eager to serve you in any of these ways.” If you’re not sure of how to serve her based off her profile, think about your own skills. What are you good at that you can offer her? Cooking skills, computer skills, SEO assistance, massage, video editing, picking up groceries, taking pain, body worship – these are all skills I have looked for in submissive men.
4. Don’t ask “can I be your slave?” in the first message.
My answer is an automatic no. It is like messaging someone “can I marry you?” in the first message on a dating app. Think to yourself: why would a woman want to jump into a serious D/s dynamic with an internet stranger? The term “slave” for many people in the BDSM world means a committed, long term D/s dynamic. Don’t throw it around in the first message.
End the message by asking if you may serve her, if you may be of use to her, or simply ask “are you looking for any subs? Is there any way I can serve you?” If she is interested you can meet, and after a few meetings if she’s interested, she will discuss what kind of D/s dynamic you can have.
5. When you contact a Domme on Fetlife, use her name!
When you contact a Domme on fetlife, don’t start every message with “Hello Mistress.” Use the Domme’s name, it’s much more polite. Sometimes Dommes specifically write “address me as XYZ” in their profiles. If you address her as “Mistress” as some generic name, it shows that you didn’t read her profile and once again you seem lazy.
6. Write about yourself last, and keep it short.
Don’t write paragraphs about your life history in a Fetlife message. If I see that most of the message is “let me tell you about myself” I don’t read it. Remember, Dommes on Fetlife get a lot of messages from internet strangers. Why should a dominant woman care about a random internet guy’s life story? Even worse than sharing your entire life history is writing a wall of text about how great you are and why you’re better than other submissives. At the end of a message like this, my main impression is that this sub is arrogant and doesn’t have much to offer.
Use the message as a way to offer yourself to a Domme, to show why you would be a good sub for her. However, it’s not bad to write about yourself. You should include a few sentences about who you are, just don’t write a wall of text. Write a bit about your everyday life hobbies so she has an idea of who you are outside of your fetishes. If a Domme wants to know more details about you she will ask.
7. Secret insider info about what most submissive men on Fetlife write in the first message
I don’t know if most submissive men on fetlife realize this, but they often write the same thing when trying to contact a Domme for the first time. Many Dommes get messages like this, especially from subs who are new to Femdom. Often the idea is something like this: “I’m completely new to this lifestyle. I’ve always had submissive dreams, but I’ve never done anything submissive before. I’m looking for a dominant woman who I can explore my fantasies with.”
I understand that many submissives are telling the truth, especially if they’re brand new to the world of kibk. But it makes you sound identical to everyone else. You don’t stand out, and a Domme on Fetlife who gets tons of messages probably won’t notice you. It also makes you sound like you don’t have much to offer.
Show some personality in your message and try not to write vague, general things like, “I want to explore my fantasies.” This is a common phrase, and it’s just… not appealing. It sounds like you’re not sure what you’re into or what you can offer. I would much sooner respond to a message where someone offers something specific, like to cook for me or massage my feet. Explain how you want to serve this dominant woman, and explain why you like it in a sentence or two.
8. Be polite when you follow up with a Domme on Fetlife
Most dominant women on fetlife get tons of messages, and they don’t always respond. Sometimes they are busy, their inbox is overflowing, and sometimes they don’t see your message at all. In some cases, they read your message and just were not interested. That’s life. Handle this situation well with a polite follow up message a few weeks later.
Sometimes I open a message from a submissive man and the first thing I see is “What did I do wrong? Why didn’t you respond to my messages? Why aren’t you answering?” and it’s the FIRST impression I get of him. Whiny, needy, rude. I was busy and wasn’t checking my messages, and THIS is the follow up message I got. THIS is the first thing I see. Only then do I see the original message above, but by then I’ve lost interest.
Instead, be polite when you message again. If you can’t be polite when a Domme hasn’t responded to your message, you seem like a terrible sub. Politeness is a basic skill, and if you can’t manage it in the first message, you will always leave a bad impression.
I hope this advice helps on your search for your dream Domme. To get updated every time I post about my Femdom lifestyle, subscribe below!