Most subs do not want to do something wrong that could jeopardize their D/s dynamic, especially if the dynamic started out strong. Submissives can make mistakes, often without realizing it. So what can a sub do wrong?
In this post I’ll highlight what a sub can do wrong in a D/s dynamic. This is not about what a sub can do wrong when trying to find a Dominant or trying to start a relationship, but what can go wrong in an existing dynamic. This can apply to the connection between a dominant and a submissive who are casual play partners, in a committed D/s relationship or anything in between.
1. Becoming a lazy sub
This means becoming lazy at fulfilling your submissive duties, whether that means cleaning, cooking, licking your dominant’s feet, giving massages, etc. If there are tasks or duties that you Domme expects you to fulfill, they will notice when you get lazy. It’s ok to make mistakes sometimes or to have time when you are busy. Sometimes life gets in the way, but if you are skipping your submissive duties again and again, at some point the foundation of the D/s dynamic will crumble.
This can happen if you agreed to do tasks you were never ready for. Some submissives use the “foot in the door” technique. They agree to do tasks they do’t really like, just to get the Domme’s attention. For instance a sub says “yes of course I’ll clean your house!” He cleans it well the first few times. Once he wins his Domme’s affection and she chooses to keep him as a sub, he stops trying. He becomes worse and cleaning, or starts skipping chores because he wants only to do things that make him horny.
Agreeing to the task was a short term strategy and now he feels it’s ok to be lazy. To the sub perhaps it seems like a clever way to get on a Domme’s good side. It has the opposite effect however, because at some point the Domme will be disappointed when the laziness starts and the relationship has been downgraded. Remember that most dominants like a reliable submissive. If you are not willing to do your duties, do not agree to them in the first place. This brings me to my next point…
2. Being a bad communicator
Communication is important in every D/s dynamic. You need to let your Domme know your limits, what you are willing and unwilling to do, and how you feel about the dynamic. If your Domme wants you to do a task, but you don’t want to, tell her. If you do the task anyway, resentfully grumbling through it, you create tension that could have been avoided.
Do not assume your Domme will guess what you are thinking and feeling. Not even Hypno-Dommes are mind readers. If something is going on in your life that’s getting in the way of the D/s dynamic you should give at least basic explanation. Otherwise, your dominant will be confused and left wondering what is going on. Likewise if there is something within the dynamic that is bothering you, you should bring it up. If you don’t communicate, your Domme will likely still notice that something is wrong but have no idea what.
If you are not sure how to be a good communicator, there are countless articles and books on this topic. And at tip: most of the people who think they don’t need to read a communication book because they already know everything about communication, are the people who need it most.
Unclear communication and unaddressed problems only lead to tension. Tell her what you are thinking, and answer her questions honestly. Don’t ignore someone’s questions or attempts to communicate with you. Which brings me to my next point..
3. Forgetting Basic Human Decency
Submissives sometimes forget the very basic necessities of a good interaction like having good manners. Bad manners include: ignoring attempts to communicate, showing up late, not following plans, being on your phone while you’re together, not paying attention when she is talking, not saying thank you, not responding to messages, interrupting, and being unreliable. These are very basic things. Many people do these things when they want to make a good impression. Sometimes people forget that these basic things continue to be important after the first impression.
I think sometimes submissives think that if they are good at their kinky tasks, they’ve done enough. This is not true. These basic good manners are important in every relationship, and especially important in a D/s dynamic built off devotion and respect. Being a Domme means I expect respect from my submissive in all of our interactions. How often people in a relationship ignore each other’s attempts at conversation can predict which marriages will end in divorce. If you want to understand why it’s so important you can read the research on this linked above ^ .
4. Make it all about your pleasure
Subs can make a huge mistake when they shift their relationship to being only about their own pleasure. In a good D/s dynamic, both the dominant and the submissive get pleasure from the dynamic. In my D/s dynamics I expect my pleasure to be the primary goal. Over time submissives can start to forget how to please their Domme. This is especially true if they used “the foot in the door tactic”.
How do you know if you have shifted your relationship dynamic to your own pleasure?
- You’re only around when she does things that sexually arouse you.
- You no longer try to please her in ways she specifically likes.
- You put in the bare minimum to please your Domme just to get your own fetishes fulfilled.
- In the worst case: you’re begging your Domme to fulfill your kinks while never offering her the pleasures she likes.
If you find that you are putting in only a bare minimum into your D/s dynamic, maybe you should ask yourself why you are in this dynamic. Do you still want to be in the dynamic? Is there something that is getting in the way of your connection to your Domme? Remember the reasons you originally wanted to serve and please her. If those reasons are no longer there, perhaps your dynamic is coming to a natural end.
5. Lie, Deceive or Manipulate
Lying is a real relationship killer. Keep in mind that as soon as your Domme finds out that you are lying about something, she will trust you less. If you will be able to gain your dominant’s trust again over time or not depends on the severity of the lie and on how forgiving your dominant is.
Deception includes anything you do that is not a direct lie but still intentionally obscures the truth from your Domme. Deception includes breaking the rules you’ve agreed on, without telling your Domme, not doing tasks but pretending you did. Any form of pretending or deception will undermine your relationship at some point.
Manipulation is toxic in any relationship, whether it’s D/s or not. Even submissives can be manipulative people, or become manipulative as a way to keep their Domme from leaving them. For example – once the dynamic is starting to get shaky a sub could try to manipulate his Domme into thinking she needs him. I had this experience with a sub once. I was meeting him for about the 5th or 6th time, shortly after moving to a new city. He kept trying to convince me that without him I would have nowhere to go and no one to rely on. He went as far as coming up with disaster scenarios and telling me if something bad happened to me in this new city, he would be the only one who could help me. This is a dirty attempt at fear based manipulation.
Needless to say I knew none of that was true. I definitely did not need him in any of those ways, and I knew that in a disaster scenario I would be just fine. After meeting him and listening to all this, I later blocked him. I do not need that shit in my life. No Domme should put up with needy subs who try to manipulate her into wanting them.
Being A good Submissive
Relationships happen between two people, so it’s not only the subs who can make mistakes. Dominants can do things that undermine the relationship as well, and both people are accountable. Remember, no one is perfect. If your Domme is doing something that bothers you, tell her. If you are doing something that bothers your Domme it’s also ok. It’s ok to make mistakes sometimes. Just try to learn from them and keep going.
There are other things that can go wrong in D/s dynamics, including general relationship mistakes. There are plenty resources on the internet about common relationship mistakes.
Now that you know some of the basic submissive mistakes you can also read my post about what makes a good submissive. Now go be the best sub you can be and let your D/s dynamic thrive! If you enjoyed this post and want to be notified when I post more, subscribe: