“You can use me as a punching bag. You can take out all your anger on me.”
I hear this offer pretty often when submissive men contact me. They offer themselves up for me to release my aggression. Sometimes submissive men will even say things like “you can beat me on behalf of all the men who’ve annoyed you.” I guess the sentiment behind these offers is that inside of every Domme is a volcano of anger fueling her domination. Because, BDSM is all about yelling and being angry, right?
Recently, at a kink munch someone commented, “You’re a Domme, but you don’t seem aggressive at all.” I guess the assumption here is that to be a dominant woman, you must be aggressive. Not only in scenes, but in everyday life meetings as well. This idea is some strange cross between a misunderstanding and a male fantasy. Maybe some of you have watched too many movies and not met enough real Dommes.
Note: In this post “Femdom” and “Domme” are used interchangeably.
Anger isn’t fun. Femdoms just want to have fun
Anger is not what fuels D/s dynamics, pleasure is what fuels D/s dynamics. I have never used BDSM as an outlet for my anger, not even once. I also haven’t met a single other Domme who “takes out anger” on her subs. The truth is: if you’re making me feel aggressive or angry, I probably don’t like you and don’t want to spend my free time with you. As a Domme, I dominate for pleasure. To enjoy myself, to get the total respect I deserve, to get what I want. I’m not interested in dragging up anger from other parts of my life and channeling it at someone. I cannot even imagine how that would be relaxing. It just sounds stressful and tiring.
I certainly don’t need anger to fuel my flogging sessions. I can flog someone simply because it’s fun and makes me smile. What really fuels D/s dynamics (whether it’s a scene, or a long term relationship) is mutual enjoyment. Anger isn’t the foundation of any ongoing, mutually chosen dynamic.
The Misconception about Femdoms
From the outside, the things that happen in Femdom porn or kink parties may look like anger. The yelling, sadism, punishment. But I assure you, in those moments, there’s probably no real anger. There is intensity, power and catharsis in Femdom dynamics. The Femdom gets total respect and submission, the submissive gets the pleasure of letting go, obeying, and accepting punishment (or funishment). It’s pleasure at the center of it all, not anger.
But how can someone enjoy humiliating and beating someone? Don’t you need to be angry to do that? The short answer is no. There is pleasure and intimacy in entering intense interactions. It can be a lot of fun humiliating a man and making fun of his cock. It makes me smile and it makes him wildly horny. It’s pleasurable for everyone. These kinds of interactions would stop being pleasurable if someone actually started angering me.
Maybe this misconception comes from the reality that there are lots of annoying men out there. The assumption that men anger or annoy me on a regular basis isn’t wrong. Most women have had plenty of angering interactions with men. I’ve had men cat-call me, try to intimidate me, follow me on the street, etc. The point is: I am not interested in making any of those men into my subs. I want nothing to do with them. Furthermore I definitely don’t let it affect my personality or make me an “aggressive” person. I’m living my life how I want to, spending my free time with the people I like. The people I like are good submissives who obey.
Kicking the dog
There might be some Femdoms who get out aggression through kink and maybe they enjoy that kind of dynamic. To me it sounds like a case of transference, (i.e your boss yells at you so you come home and kick the dog). It doesn’t solve the root problem of your anger or help you develop a good coping mechanism. Feeling angry whenever you see your submissive might undermine your relationship with them since you’re building negative associations with them. There might be Dommes who go with the punching bag model. I just haven’t met them.
So if you want to ask me to if I want to release my anger through you, the answer is no. Anger is not in anyway part of my kink life.
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